Sometimes, you run across something so perfect that you just have to share it.
Last week, an anonymous commenter on my blog composed a thing of pure beauty. The Automated Rod Blagojevich Story Generator is a very funny satire on how our state politics are stuck in a bizarre, ever-repeating spectacle.
The idea, the commenter explained, is to "pick one item from each section to generate a typical Rod Blagojevich story." And here it is.
Today Governor Rod Blagojevich's office announced a ...
1) new program
2) variation on a previously proposed program
3) impotent condemnation of the federal government over policy
4) sympathetic "me too" press statement riding the tail of a national issue
5) new lawsuit
6) no-bid contract for a friend
7) renamed version of a previous governor's program
... that met with ...
1) skepticism from the General Assembly over implementation.
2) howls of derision from members of his own party.
3) noncommittal responses from state leadership.
4) a call for his impeachment by Representative Jack Franks.
5) complaints of unfunded mandates and frivolous expense by civic/business groups.
6) unanswered questions about accountability from experts in the field.
His new idea is to provide ...
1) free health care for pets.
2) singing lessons to Miley Cyrus.
3) free trips out of the country for anyone who is of Syrian extraction or named Madigan.
4) generous retirement plans for prosecuting attorneys and judges.
Blagojevich said there would be enough money for all the programs he proposes and to pay off the state deficit by way of ...
1) a gross-receipts tax.
2) a value-added tax on general revenue.
3) a previously rejected funding plan.
4) just not looking too closely at the books.
5) a truckload of new gambling expansion.
6) auctioning off everything not nailed down.
7) removing "corporate loopholes" ... in campaign funding restrictions.
The governor, through a spokesperson, dodged questions about ...
1) a current racketeering investigation in which his name is prominent.
2) a lack of detail on the implementation of the new initiative.
3) the absence of funding mechanism for the proposal.
4) the fact that insiders and campaign contributors would be involved.
5) a new lawsuit/countersuit.
6) a previous, related suit of his being dismissed as frivolous or without merit.
7) his taxes.
Later, on his way ...
1) to a fundraiser
2) from a fundraiser
3) to his home
4) to a Hannah Montana concert
5) to a Cubs game
6) to a Hawks game
7) to an intramural jai alai contest
8) to Winston & Strawn
9) from something that most definitely was not a fundraiser
... the governor was accosted by reporters demanding an explanation. The governor ...
1) ducked into his state airplane
2) ducked into a black Suburban
3) gathered a protective ring of schoolchildren from a passing field trip
4) began quoting 1970s Cubs batting averages
5) demonstrated his recall of state area codes
6) blamed George Ryan for everything
7) said whatever it was, he didn't do it, unless it was for "the people"
8) reminded everyone he got bad grades in school
9) blamed Mike Madigan for not doing enough
10) asked Emil Jones to run-block for him and ran for the sidelines
11) told the elephant-struck-by-lightning/boy-digging-in-horse-stall story
... and reiterated that he was ...
1) the son of immigrants
2) the son-in-law of a powerful Chicago alderman
3) a man of the people
4) not a big reader or mathematician
5) not a "process" guy
6) not wearing lifts
7) not yet indicted
8) not using "Just for Men"
... and said that details would be ...
1) forthcoming from a press aide.
2) forthcoming from private lawyers on the state payroll.
3) open to negotiation, if he felt like it.
4) something Lon and those guys would take care of.
5) George Ryan's fault.
A spokesperson for the governor clarified his comments by saying ...
1) we don't do business that way.
2) we never knew this was going on.
3) we were always in the forefront of preventing/promoting this exact kind of thing.
4) we have never heard of this person (or organization).
5) this was something that was done by low-level underlings.
6) accused is not indicted.
7) indicted is not convicted.
8) convicted means nothing until after an appeal.
9) this is all a plot by Madigan.
10) we will study the issue and appoint a task force headed by a relative or friend.
11) it was an "up" day.
Rich Miller also publishes Capitol Fax (a daily political newsletter) and (http://www.thecapitolfaxblog.com).
